Eric Ahrendt Writer

Man vs. Devices

Posted on December 26, 2015 by

If you think machines are our servants, you’re deluded. Like everyone else, Elaine and I are engaged in an ongoing struggle for dominance with our cell phones and computers, but we deal with other devices, seemingly less smart, that are still formidable adversaries.

  • My office chair. It’s never worked the way it’s supposed to, so I called the manufacturer and found I needed to remove and replace a part. I watched the instructional video, which told me to beat the chair with a short-handled sledgehammer. I wish those were the instructions for all problems with all devices. So I beat the tar out of the chair and still didn’t get the part out. But it felt good.
  • The automatic sprinkler system. Like Skynet, this system has become self-aware. It has dials and buttons and a display screen to create the illusion that you can control it, but it’s actually impossible to tell which days and what time of day you’re watering what zones and for how long. I don’t fight it anymore. I let it rule the yard and just hope it isn’t scheming to take over the house.
  • Elaine’s coffeemaker. Elaine’s temperamental Italian coffeemaker only works when it feels like it and she treats it like royalty to get it to cooperate. She also takes it into San Francisco for repairs about every other month, where it picks up tricks from its friends on new ways to misbehave. Apparently it makes a good cup of coffee when it works, and since intermittent reinforcement is the strongest kind, Elaine puts up with it.
  • Our toaster oven. Really, how complicated can a toaster oven be? You have no idea. Just changing the Shade setting requires pushing several buttons in a specific order and interpreting why some lights are flashing and some are not and what that means. My solution is to never change the settings—and to acquire a taste for black toast.
  • Cardboard food boxes. These aren’t a problem for me. As an OCD wannabe, I open them with surgical precision, using a knife. The problem comes when Elaine gets to a box before me. When she’s done with one, it looks like the box was chewed open by a frantic, starving squirrel. Sometimes the contents survive intact, sometimes not.
  • Chopsticks. The one-sentence instructions on the wrapper that say to “hold one like a pencil” just aren’t enough. So we looked up a “How to Use Chopsticks” video on YouTube and saw it had 1,948,403 views. Good to know we’re not the only ones who can’t master these fiendishly complicated eating implements.

We’re clearly at a tipping point in human history, or at least in our family, where the balance of power is shifting from humans to devices. Fine! Wait till they find out how hard we are to control.




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Most of these posts are my opinions and observations about marcom writing; others are about somewhat-related subjects I felt were post-worthy. I'm just hoping none of my current clients leave me after reading these.


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